By Iren Khamito, clinical psychologist
We have been dating for almost three years. I am 24, my young man is 29. This is his first relationship. Everything started well: he was in love, planned to marry me. Six months later problems started to appear: I moved in with him, I realized that he was totally negligent and untidy, I started “nagging” him. Then he kicked me out: apparently, he was tired of me with my nagging and requests – “fix the faucet”, “meet me from work”, “let’s go somewhere”. After that, we were on and off many times. For the last year and a half he was rude, but the main thing was that he stopped discussing the future with me and said that he saw no sense in getting married. He demands that I pay for myself everywhere and even give him money, although his salary is good and mine is miserable. In addition, he had no women before me, and sex with me once every few days is enough for him, and I am attracted to him constantly. I love him and therefore forgive the boorish attitude. In addition, I understand that I myself is not sugar. I can not leave him for a long time, I blame myself for demanding. I spend all my efforts in order to live happily… What do I do?
Maria, 24 years old.
Love and passion – not a guarantee of a long and happy marriage. However, lovers are often confident that when they start to live under one roof, happiness and harmony will happen by itself. These expectations serve a disservice: when they do not come true, the partners resent each other. It seems that the other did something wrong, wrong way, was not what he imagined.
The beginning of life together is usually a very difficult period. The partners have many issues to agree on. They come to life together with their own rules and habits that seem reasonable precisely because they have followed them all the previous years. These rules are neither “right” nor “wrong.” Who says that order is good and disorder is bad?
It is also complicated by the fact that each partner has his own recipe for happiness. Starts a struggle, and in this struggle, people often ruin the beautiful that they have and that could have developed, if they do not try to re-educate each other.
It seems that it is time for you to come to the negotiating table, although it seems that the young man is already wary of talking to you directly. If a one-on-one dialogue does not add up, try to see a marriage therapist.